My wife says she is too tired for sex. So why has she bought a vibrator? | Sex

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I love my wife but our sexual relationship isn’t great right now. She complains about being too tired to make love, as we have two kids (ages one and two) and we’re living in a one-bedroom apartment while our house is being remodelled. I accidentally found out she has ordered a wand massager – a kind of vibrator. Now I don’t know what to think. Before the kids were born we used to have the kind of sex life that would make people envious.

Listen to her when she says she is tired. Caring for two young children will exhaust anyone, so any way she can make her life easier – including on-the-run sex – will be attractive. Wands can be a low-maintenance way to have pleasure and de-stress, and it would be understandable if she was simply trying to get her needs met quickly.

But there could be other reasons, such as trying to improve her libido (which would naturally be lower for a while after having two children). It is important that you understand this and do not expect her to be the same sexy partner as before – until she becomes revitalised and her hormones are more balanced. Try not to feel threatened or disappointed by this current, natural situation. Your best course right now is to be as helpful and understanding as possible – that in itself is a turn-on for most women.

  • If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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